Wednesday, August 26, 2009

My apologies

I’m sorry to have kept some of you in suspense. Many people emailed me asking how I was doing, and I feel guilty for not updating, especially since everyone was praying so hard for me. When I saw in my Google Analytics that this blog is still getting hundreds of hits, even though I haven’t posted in over a week, I knew I needed to come in and say something.

I canceled the surgical procedure. Have you ever had a feeling in your soul that you just should not do something? Just an overbearing feeling that you can’t seem to kick? Wednesday morning (the day that I was supposed to go in for the procedure), I woke up and started praying, and felt led to pray for exactly five minutes about the procedure. So, I went over and set the timer on the stove for five minutes, and prayed. When the alarm went off, I knew I needed to go call the doctor to say I couldn’t do it. Between the known risks of the procedure, and the bad feeling I had about it, I felt good about my decision. Telling the doctors my reasoning was a completely different story!

But now, we’re praying for direction, and for miracles. I want to have babies. Many of them. I want to be free from the fear of miscarriage. But I don’t want to put my future in doctors’ hands — I want to give it wholly to God. I need prayer.

Can I be vulnerable for a minute? (Please, be gentle in your comments.) It’s been a long time since I was genuinely happy. Sometimes I forget what it feels like to have that bubbling-over excitement that I used to get all the time about the future. I am still very much in the throes of mourning. And I desperately want to be a mommy again—the hope of new life would be the one thing that could bring my smile back.That’s not to say that I don’t have some OK or even good days, and I certainly don’t cry every single day, but that deep sadness weighs over me. It’s most present when I see babies, especially newborns, or babies the same age as what Grace would be now. It forces me to wonder what she’d look like now, to think about what she’d be doing now. It’s absolutely overwhelming. Which brings me to the next part of Grace’s story...

I have 2300 words of it written, but I just can’t seem to finish the entry. Somehow, by finishing it, I feel like I’m closing the book on her *life*. Saying “The End”. And writing about her birth, the most sad moment of my entire life, is gut-wrenching. When I write about Grace, it eats my entire day because I am absolutely overcome with anguish. Just writing ABOUT writing it is making a lump form in my throat and my eyes well up.

But, it’s coming.

To God be the glory!

"I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?" My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?" Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God (Psalm 42:9-11).

11 comments:

Jennifer Glasgow said...

Love you and praying for you Heather!

Rachel said...

I had thoughts this was the reason in delay, and you have every right to take as much time as YOU need before sharing her story.

We love you and know God WILL provide in His time to you and jeffrey. My family is praying for you. Infertility is a pain I've never known, I cant imagine the pain of loss. l look to you for strength and faith.

In Him,

Rachel

bcschjenk said...

You do not owe anyone anything when it comes to your life story. I am just honored you are allowing us to gain insight and learn how to love better.

sarahmarie0730 said...

Thinking of you so much Heather! xoxo

nhsmommy said...

No apologies needed.

I pray everynight that God will give you strength and peace...and bless you with a child in his timing.

Jeremy and Mindy said...

Oh Heather {{{hugs}}}
I just always feel inadequate when I think of the words to say to you. Just know I'm praying.

Rachael said...

you will never close the book on her story...one day you will tell it to your grandchildren. I really believe that with all my heart!

Amelia said...

Thinking of you Heather. Don't feel like you owe anything to anyone. This is your own story to tell on your own time. Sending all my love to you and Jeff.

Julie said...

Heather, I think of you often. I'm not sure exactly what the medical procedure was that you postponed, but I hope you don't shut out medical procedures completely. I feel I was let down a path of medical assistance with my pregnancies, and pray often that I was able to have the children I have. I don't know if that is your path as well, but I wouldn't want you to close that door.

Hannah Glasgow said...

Grace's story will bless and change people for so many years to come. What a servant she was for the Lord, it inspires me to live more devoted to Him just thinking about her!

Mourning and praying, Heather.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Anonymous said...

Just as you explained, Grace Evangeline was created for a purpose... the purpose for which you named her. Take your time writing her story. Finish it as you are able. But know that finishing her story is not the same as closing the book on her life. Her story, and your story, has already effected so many people in so many ways. Thank you for sharing.
-Brooke